He's Gone!

The big news around the Metro East area today was Albert Pujols signing with the Angels and leaving St. Louis.  LOTS of people had their eyes on Twitter and ESPN waiting for an announcement.  Here's what happened when a second grade teacher from my hometown announced it to her class.

Teacher:  Boys and Girls, I just found out that Albert Pujols is now an Angel.

Student:  Oh my gosh!  Albert Pujols is dead?!!!!!

Little Bo Peep Needs Help

Pre-K teacher:  Little Bo Peep has lost her....
Joseph:             BALANCE!!!

No “Straws” Attached

Baby Lili’s mommy breast feeds her.  Lili’s auntie, who is in elementary school, was curious about this whole process. She just couldn’t figure out how how Lili actually got milk from her Mommy, until…..one day Auntie was chatting with Mommy when it was time for Lili to eat.  Being upclose and personal,  Auntie actually got to see how baby Lili latched on.  It was at that moment all Auntie’s confusion became crystal clear:  “Oh, there’s straws that pop out!”  Auntie exclaimed.

Got Mommy's Milk

Dad and his toddler son walked up to
the counter at a fast food restaurant and ordered lunch.
They sat down at the table.  Dad handed his son a
drink.

Son:  "I don't want that. I want milk."
Dad:  "I'll have to go buy a milk then."
Son:  (Screaming)  "No!  I WANT MOMMY'S MILK!"

Pretty sure Mommy's Milk is not a fountain drink.

Drug Awareness

"MOM!!! There's marajuana in Trevor's room!!!"  Turns out little brother Jeremy had actually spotted.................wait for it................. broccoli. 

Bowl Me Over

Seventh grade student Ben is adjusting to his new middle school quite nicely.  He loves his new school baseball team. Yesterday he told his mom that he went to a meeting to join a new club...SCHOLAR BOWL.

Mom:  Do you know what that is?
Ben:  What?
Mom:  It's like a ball team made up of really smart kids.  They do school work to figure out problems.   Whoever answers the most questions correctly wins.
Ben:  Oh my gosh!  I'm so glad I didn't sign anything.  I thought it was a bowling team! 

Wash and Wear Hair

This is too funny not to share!! 
Luke (calls downstairs from the bath tub):  I need shampoo.   
Mom:  I just bought some.  It's in the blue bottle
Mom: (Heads upstairs to the bathroom) 
Luke:  This says FOR DRY HAIR,  Mom!! My hair is wet.

Good point, Luke!

Bilingual Boy

 A 5 year old little guy was playing Wii one day while Grandma was watching him. He finally reached a level on his game after many days of trying.
He started jumping up and down and said, "Grandma! Did you see that?! That was Outstanding!" Then, very seriously explained, "That means awesome in Chinese."

Social Studies

Yesterday some friends of mine pitched the tent in their backyard and built a bonfire. Chevi wanted to roast some marshmallows. He was getting tired, which made him a bit bossy. Dad was correcting his social skills, explaining that he was being rude.  Chevi’s seven year old brother Mathew said, "Dad, it's okay if he's rude.  He's only 4.  He hasn't even had social studies yet!"

Knock, Knock

Here is a Knock, Knock joke to make you smile...courtesy of our 3 year old friend, Max. 

Will you know me in three days?  yes
Will you know me in four days?  yes
Will you know me in five days?  yes

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
I thought you knewed me!

Cu-cumbersome Tux

Brandon recently tried on his tux.  He is in his cousin's wedding. Mom reported he looked tall and handsome. Although he was dying in the itchy material, tight collar, and "stupid cucumber bun,"  Mom thought he was adorable.  I would tend to agree.

Dance Clinic for HOPE

Recently my home town high school dance team sponsored a dance clinic to benefit breast cancer. Football stadium covered in pink--Dancers, cheerleaders, football players and fans---$3,000 raised. Warms my heart.




Mini Pom Pom Girls - RiverBender.com Video streaming live and on demand events#.TnIckwe63kM.facebook

Food Fright

Today at lunch five-year-old Julia prayed, "Dear Jesus, I hope that you can bless this food ..."
 It makes Mom wonder how bad the food looked if Julia wasn't even sure Jesus could bless it.

Allergic "Reaction"

My wonderful friend Aiden is eight years old.  Although he has some pretty severe allergic reactions to cats, dogs and mold, he recently had an allergic "reaction" of a different kind.

Aiden's mom was in the yard chatting with a neighbor while the kids played.  The adults were talking about the havoc moles were causing in their yards.  Upon hearing this Aiden shrieked, "MOLES!  WHAT?! I can't be here!  I got to get inside!"

While his diligence in taking a proactive approach to his health is to be commended, as long as the moles weren't moldy, I think he was fine. 

Have I mentioned I LOVE THAT BOY!   

Marbles

Mrs.Norris and her kindergarten class were looking at a book of pictures starting with "m". One of the pictures was children playing marbles.

Mrs. N:  "You probably don't know this game. I played this a long time ago when I was a little girl. It's a game called marbles.  (She then explained the game to her class.)

Student: "Do you still play?"

Mrs. Norris:  "No.  Not anymore."

Student:  "Why did you lose all your marbles?"

 Little does she know that's how A LOT of teachers feel after the first week of school. 

Hymnals

Jeremy: Mom! We got urnals at chapel today!

Mom:  Sorry, what?

Jeremy:  Yeah, urnals! You know, the book with all the songs?

Mom:   HEAVY sigh.

Name Game

Actual excerpt from a conversation between Mom and her teenager, Kaleigh:

Mom: Kaleigh Marie get in here now!

Kaleigh:  Why are you middle naming me?

Imaginary list of questions that goes through Kaleigh's mind in the 5.2 seconds it takes her to get to Mom:

Ughhh!....What did I do? What did I not do? What does she know I did?  Who told?  Could she know about last night?  Did I forget to feed the dog?  Wonder how much she knows?  Did I start the dishwasher like she told me to? What do I have to do now? Grounded?  How much should I tell?  Should I just fess up? Did I track mud in again?....

Note:  When you get "middle named" you know Mom needs business! 

Special Delivery

Four-year-old Davey's Grandpa wasn't feeling well and had to be taken to the emergency room, which spurred this conversation between Davey and his very pregnant mom.

Davey:  Mom, will you have to go to the EMERGENCY ROOM?

Mom:   No, we will go to LABOR & DELIVERY.

Davey:  What's DELIVERY?

Mom:   That's where the baby gets delivered.

Davey:  Well...why don't they just deliver him to our house?

If only that were possible!

Welcome to the world little Michael Kaegan...The world is a brighter place with you in it!

What's an engineer?

My nine-year-old daughter Jae and I were talking.

Me: Kate’s dad is an engineer.

Jae: What’s an engineer.

Me: People with college degrees that use their math and science skills to build, create, and problem solve.

Jae: Like an architect.

Me: Well, they can create “things” like bridges. Sometimes they work with roads or water to recreate and improve our environment. Kate’s dad works with water.

Jae: So…he’s a plumber?

Two Matthew Stories

A couple of funny Matthew stories sent in by a devoted  www.justkidding-michele/blogspot.com follower.

This past week a crop duster was flying over the field directly behind Matthew's house. Matthew was looking out the window when the plane flew towards his house...very low, of course. Seven-year-old Matthew put his hands on his hips, bobbed his head back and forth, and with a sassy tone said, "What do they think they're doing?! Don't they know it's 99 degrees outside?! 

Dad's elderly aunt passed away last week. The family attended the funeral and afterwards went to eat at a restaurant with extended family.  While sitting at the table waiting for food, Grandpa was telling stories of growing up with his sister. One particular story was about his sister learning to drive. He ended the story by saying, "And that's how we learned to drive back in the old days." Matthew replied, "Oh, you mean in the early 1800's?"

On a Mission

My 16-year-old son Jarrod has been gone on our church mission trip for only 24 hours, but it just doesn't seem the same here at home without him. His dad and I dropped him off.  All the youth were huddled around their sleeping bags, duffel bags thrown over their shoulders waiting to load the bus.  The youth director asked Jarrod to load the drinks in the cooler and bring the snacks on to the bus.  Four minutes later when he returned to his spot he looked at me and said, "This is too much work."  So...

I would like to wish my boy luck as he spends a week in 100 degree temperatures repairing houses and caring for children of those who are struggling in a depressed area of the U.S.  Although THAT will be ALOT OF WORK I am incredibly proud of him for giving up one of his last weeks of summer to share some of God's love.  Love you, Jarrod. 

Play-dead

While playing with Play-doh five-year-old Julia gave Mom this very important advice:
"You shouldn't eat Play-doh, because then you will get very sick and won't be able to talk...because you will be dead".

Thanks, Julia for that little safety nugget.  Accidental deaths can be prevented! 

Endangered Species

While over for a visit, three-year-old Max told me what he recently learned about tigers.

Max:  Tigers are endangerous.
Me:     I know.  Tigers are endangered.  That's sad.
Max:   Don't worry...We can save them with a fire truck.

I'm fairly certain most three year olds believe firefighters so cool they CAN solve All the world's problems.

Paula was pricing items for her charity garage sale, with a little help from her two younger sons.  Someone donated a box of baby things, which included a nursing bra. Matthew saw that and said, "Who sent
that bra, Aunt Charlotte?" Mom said, "No, Aunt Charlotte never needed a
nursing bra."  He then replied, "Well, let me think...Who was a nurse?"
Mom didn't have time for an explanation at the time, so she
just let him think.

No Cuss Cussing

Four year old Chevi and Mom had several places to go picking up donations for their charity yard sale.  When Mom told Chevi they might not make it to swim class he looked at her, cocked his head and said, "WHAT THE WHAT?!!!"

Noodle Confusion

I asked my 15-year old son Jarrod if he wanted egg noodles or mac'n cheese for supper. He said, "egg noodles."  When supper was ready he took the lid off the noodle pot and said, "What's this? I thought you were making eggshell noodles. " I went to the cabinet and pulled out a box, showed it to him and asked, "Is this what you were thinking of?"  
Turns out he wanted elbow noodles. So..I gave him a high five and said, "Congratulations!  You made the blog!"
Love you, Jarrod!

Speed Reading

Mom to teenage son: Grant, how is your summer reading going?


Grant: Good.

Mom: What page are you on?

Grant: One.

Last night two-year-old Addie said to her momma, " I play bouncy ball.  You play coupons."  She knows what Momma likes!

Smooth Talker

While pulling away from the park with a van full of kids Mama Jen notices that 8-year-old Aiden is riding without a seat belt:  Aiden Robert, why is your seat belt not on?  Knowing that he has made a serious error in judgement not buckling up first thing, he replies to his mama in his smooth talker voice, : Mama, why...why are you so beautiful?

Pulling into the driveway after spending the day with her nine-year-old daughter, my friend Amy heard, "Mommy, your panties are blooming!" 
UMMMM....I think she meant peonies. 

Awkward

Lucas and Max are best buddies at pre-school. One day Lucas had an overwhelming urge to share his feelings.  "Max,"  Lucas said, "I wike you...and I wuv you."  Max quietly contemplated this new information, looked at Lucas and said in his three-year-old-sing-songy-high-pitched voice, "AWKWARD!", turned around and walked away.

Sadly, Max was not feelin' the love that day! 
    

Transportation Issues

During Lent my nine-year-old daughter and I were sitting next to each other in the pew at church.  Our pastor posed a question:  Why did Jesus ride in on a donkey?  MJ leaned over, rolled her eyes and whispered in my ear:  DUH...There were no cars! 

JUST KIDDING: Good Advice

JUST KIDDING: Good Advice: "While Mom was playing Play-doh with four-year-old Julia, she gave Mom some very important advice: 'You shouldn't eat play-doh, because then..."

Good Advice

While Mom was playing Play-doh with four-year-old Julia, she gave Mom some very important advice: "You shouldn't eat play-doh, because then you will get very sick and you won't be able to talk because you will be dead."
 
Thanks for the good advice, Julia! 

Cock-A-Doodle-Do

On a typical high energy day in Pre-K 4-year-old Keith was shocked to see the substitute classroom aide nodding off after lunch.  He turned to another aide and said, "Hey!  She can't be sleepin'!  Wake up!  Wake up!"  When she continued to doze, he raised his voice and added, "Cock-A-Doodle-Do!" 

Easter Party

Over the weekend my daughter and her two friends attended an Easter party at our bank.  There was a small turn out...just those three.  They entered a drawing for a candy machine.  On the way home from the party Madelyn announced, "My instincts tell me I'll probably win!"  I say the odds are good!

A Pre-K Day

On a typical day in Pre-K, Ms. Jarrah was asked out on a date by one of her students.  When she asked him where he would take her, he responded, "Maybe out to dinner." When questioned where they would go after the movie he thought for a moment and said, "Let's just see where the evening takes us."   He'll be a good boyfriend one day. 

Ride On

Another Aiden story.....

Aiden and Mom recently spent a sunny weekend afternoon on an empty parking lot in their subdivision.  Mom was bound and determined to teach her second-grade boy to ride his bike independently.  Aiden was not as enthused as Mom hoped he would be. 

Mom:  Don't you want to be able to ride your bike all by yourself?
Aiden:  Riding a bike is overrated.
Mom:  But, you have such a nice bike.
Aiden:  Give my bike to someone that will appreciate it more.

Having practiced for a good chunk of time, Aiden was becoming quite good at riding his bike---in a straight line.  Mom wanted him to practice turning corners.  In an effort to reward him for all his hard work and encourage him to persevere, Mom told Aiden she would buy him the DSI he had been desperately yearning for WHEN he could ride his bike around the perimeter of the parking lot all by himself.  Hearing the news, Aiden took off like a shot to complete a lap around the lot. 

Once again, he looked good on the straightaways.  When approaching all the corners, his bike would come to a stop and he would Fred Flinstone it around the corner.  Pedaling resumed after each corner.  Beaming, he pulled up next to Mom having completed his lap.

Aiden:  Okay, let's go get in the van and drive to buy my DSI.
Mom:  Oh, Aiden.  I meant you have to do the entire lap without your feet touching the ground.
Aiden:  (Sighing)  Well, I see the conditions have changed. 

Tai Kwon OHHHHH...

My intellectual friend Aiden is currently in second grade.  He radiates joy.  I find his sweet, gentle spirit to be intoxicating. With the goal of increasing his confidence and self-discipline, Mom enrolled him in martial arts.  Recently, Aiden was matched with a sparring partner at Tai Kwon Do class.  First, he was to practice his new techniques on his partner.  He enthusiastically approached his partner, confidently using powerful jabs and kicks recently learned in class.  When "time" was called, partners switched.  Those that were making contact now received.  As his partner approached, Aiden began taking steady steps backward in order to avoid oncoming jabs and punches, which, I have to admit, sounded pretty smart to me. 
Unfortunately, Mom was not impressed with his moves.
After class Mom had a chat with Aiden. She explained to him that each sparring partner has to take a turn "receiving" blows to be fair.  There is no reason to be scared.  He looked right at her and said with a twinkle in his eye,  "I wasn't scared.  I was implementing strategies I learned the first day about making a distance when approached."
What Mom took away from this... It is seriously hard to win a "throw down" with an intellectual!    

Need Some Advice

A fourth grade classroom had to write a letter to "Aunt Blabby" about a
problem they were having. Here is a favorite:

Dear Aunt Blabby,
I have a big problem. I woke up, but I forgot to
put my clothes all the way on so I went to school and all I had on was my
socks and my undershirt and my panties. The kid were laughin at me. I
said WHAT? They just panties. At least they was good panties. They was
Hello Kitty, but then I looked down and they was Dora the Explorer! What
am I supposed to do?
Your Friend,
T


It cracks me up that she's not so much concerned that she forgot to put on her clothes, but she's caught with Dora the Explorer underwear in fourth grade.  We all have our standards!

Best Mom

Last night before bed Dalton and Mom had this conversation.

Dalton:  Mom you're my best, best, best friend in the whole world.
Mom:  Even more than Brock and Carter (kindergarten classmates)?
Dalton:  No... I guess you're just my best mom in the whole world!

Vegetarian Brownies

Nine-year-old Mary Jae and I were baking brownies today for her big sister’s dance team.  As she was cracking eggs into the brownie mix, she turned and said, “Does Jerremy (big brother) eat brownies now?”  I told her, “Vegetarians eat brownies.”   “Oh,” she said with a puzzled look on her face.  I asked her why she thought vegetarians wouldn’t eat brownies.  “Brownies have chicken in them,” was her reply.  “WHAT?”  “Chickens come from eggs,” she told me. 

Who can argue with that logic?

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind."   ~Dr. Seuss

Labeled

The baby sitter's husband was briefly left in charge while the babysitter went to an appointment.  This is what Mom found when she got her little guy home...

The baby sitter left nothing to chance while she was away.

Coloring Contest Circuit

Our  nine-year-old has been traveling the coloring contest circuit this past year.  Her last win was a DSI from a local contest, which was an extremely generous prize.  On our way to the store to pick up her prize my beaming daughter said, "I must be very talented with the coloring arts." 

JUST KIDDING: Tooth Fairy Letter

JUST KIDDING: Tooth Fairy Letter: "Nine-year-old Jae pulled her lose tooth last night. She planned to stay all night with her big sister, but was nervous the Tooth Fairy..."

Tooth Fairy Letter

Nine-year-old Jae pulled her lose tooth last night.  She planned to stay all night with her big sister, but was nervous the Tooth Fairy wouldn't know where to find her.  So....she wrote The Tooth Fairy this letter and left it on her bed.

Melancholy

Mom was sad... winter blahs or just one of those days. She was
trying to read her book, but tears kept running down her face.  So, Dad starts
in with "20 questions" trying to guess what's wrong. Is it ___?  Is it ___? Is
it ___?  Six-year-old Carter was sitting next to her trying to watch his movie, while listening to
the whole thing.  He said one word, "melancholy."  He put his arm around Mom
and patted her shoulder.

I love that boy. 

I Like Donkeys

Little bro:  I like donkeys.  They have a hump in their back.


Big sis:  Jake, that's a camel!
Little bro:  Oh

Chevi Chia

My wonderful friends opened their hearts and homes and adopted four amazing boys over the years.  The latest arrival to the family is Chevi---an amazing preschool boy with light brown skin and black, curly hair that Mom describes as dry.  Older brother Matthew got a Barack Obama Chia Head for Christmas. It is growing quite a head of hair now. Chevi looked at it the other day and said, "Hey, that guy looks like me!"

(Big Brother Matthew with his Obama Chia Pet)

Punctuation Misinterpretation

A classroom aide was working with a small group of elementary children and she
asked, "What do you put at the end of a sentence?"
These were the replies she got:
Period.
Exclamation point.
Condom
The aide said, "Do you mean a comma?"
His response:  "Oh ya,  a comma."

I guess you're never too young for "safe punctuation."

Be Honest

Do these jeans make my butt look big?

Science?

Mrs. G. to her fourth grade class: "OK, so what do you know about protons?"
Student: "I don't know protons, but I know croutons."

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Last week nine-year-old MJ was frustrated about a situation at school.  She felt some classmates were not respecting her property.  So...she decided to send her teacher, Mrs. Lugge,  an e-mail discussing her concerns.  Her teacher read the e-mail, addressed the problem and made MJ feel a sense of empowerment.

Flash forward to this morning.  MJ and Mom jump into the car for the ride to school.  The backseat is covered with fast food wrappers and empty sacks. 

MJ:  What is going on with all the trash back here.
Mom:  Dad took my car yesterday to his baseball meeting.  Wasn't that nice of him to leave his trash for us?
MJ:  He does that all the time in his truck.
Mom:  Well, if he wants to do that to his truck that's fine, but I think he needs to respect my property.
MJ:   Maybe you should write a letter to Mrs. Lugge. 

Good Idea!!

God Is Everywhere

Four-year-old Davey keeps asking where God is and if he can see him. Mom tried to explain that "God is all around us...."  So, today in the car Davey said, "God is right beside you Mom, and Jesus is by me, and Mary is riding on top of the car!"

Who knew that Mary was a stunt double?

Business Man

Ten-year-old Isaac decided to make a little extra money today. He  RENTED some of his toys to his sisters. Anyone else interested? For only $.50 per toy you can lease Isaac's toys for two days.

Dad in Charge

Dad was responsible for buying a gift and getting his nine-year-old daughter to a birthday party for her friend.  They went to the store together and bought the gift.  After arriving home, Dad made a valiant effort to wrap the gift.  He tried wrapping it with paper, but the gift was an awkward shape.  He tried shoving it in a gift bag, but it didn't quite fit.  The bag split.  He thought all was lost until a brilliant idea popped into his head.

He walked to the kitchen, reached under the sink, and pulled out a black garbage bag.  He placed the present in the bag, gave the bag a twist and knotted up the top.  As a final touch, he taped the birthday card on the side.  As he stood admiring his handy work his daughter looked up at him with big wide eyes and said, "I am not touching that.  And...when Mom gets home I'm tellin' her."

Gotta give Dad props for being a problem solver.     

God Bless America

Our small mid-western town was recently saddened by the news that a 23 year old fallen soldier was returning home.  In a show of patriotism, honor and love one thousand flags lined the route from airport to funeral home to church.  Patriot Guard Riders led the procession into town.  As my daughter and I stood on the side of the road paying our respects I looked down at her small right hand covering her heart and at that moment my own heart simultaneously melted and broke. 

While my family is blessed to share each day with a patriotic, caring nine year old another family from our same small town will never again share moments with their twenty three year old patriotic son. 

Thank you Lance Cpl Kenny Corzine for your sacrifice. God Bless...You made a difference in this world.   

Just like cable

In our effort to live healthier, my husband and I have started exercising daily.  His equipment of choice is the treadmill.  I have opted to use my new Wii Zumba game.  Today on his way downstairs to use his "Cadillac" treadmill with TV, pulse rate monitor, etc.. our nine-year-old daughter followed close behind giving him a suggestion for a better workout.  Her advice:

You and Mom should work out at the same time.  You wouldn't have to watch the TV on your treadmill, 'cause watching Mom work out is like watching cable...comedy show!

Where did I go wrong?